Should we make this a thing now?
I feel like we should make this a thing now:
“People who found things in places you should never find such things…” We can work on the title. But for now, we’ll just work with what we’ve got. And this week, we’ve got three. Three things you should never, ever, under any circumstances find where these people found them:
1. A mouse – at the bottom of a man’s fast food coffee cup.
Indeed, Mickey Mouse from Mc’y D’s ended up in the bottom of this dude’s coffee. It wasn’t until after a full day of slowly sipping the stuff, that he finally saw the rodent at the bottom – like some mangy decaying prize at the bottom of your Cheerios. Even just reading this story, I was scraping at my tongue with a brillo pad and hacking up imaginary bits of hair and bubonic plague or whatever creatures carry. But the guy this actually happened to?
Homie wasn’t even mad. Which maybe made me feel even sicker.
Wait – didn’t he feel the weight of it in there? Something that didn’t feel like liquid?
And you all laugh at me for forking out a small fortune for Starbucks instead.
Beats a surprise mouse-uccino.
2. A tropical spider – inside this guy’s post-operative incision:
What do I like best about this story?
That it was recently kinda-sorta debunked.
What do I like far less about this story?
The alternative plausibility that professional speculators in the bio field are posing (versus the likely hyperbolic tale about a spider living in chest flesh and traveling up it for three days): “My initial reaction,” said the head of some South Wales university bio department (whose details no one’s gonna remember if I add them here), “is that this is a mite – also 8-legged – rather than a spider, and mites are renown[ed] for this type of behaviour, such as in scabies. Let’s see what the identification brings.”
That… doesn’t… make… me feel any better, lady.
Where’s my brillo pad from the mouse tale? Hand it to me, now.
I don’t want to live in skin anymore.
3. Doody – on a dollar given to a waitress:
Welp. This tale certainly gives new meaning to that whole “shitty tip” figure of speech and I’m sure many an other reporter had a fecal field day with that phrase. But, as with many of the web shared articles I read of late, it’s the commenters whose ideas align most with mine.
The boys – who were, incidentally, football players – got arrested for “battery with a bodily waste” when one of them emerged from the loo and left the waitress his dung coated dollar in her black bill folder. After I re-read “battery with a bodily waste” to make sure it was a real thing outside of traditional “gassing” that happens in prisons (that’s where inmates lovingly mix up an elixir of their own #1 and #2 in a cup and then throw it at the guards), I also had to agree with the dude who volunteered an appropriate rectal ramification for such an ass-ault: “30 days of correctional facility toilet cleaning. And the night before let the inmates know he is coming to clean so they can get it ready for him. That should learn him as my Grammy would say.”
Yeah, man. Or make a new form of punishment and call it the “gassing” chamber – where inmates get to pitch their effluvia at little fckkers like these.
And let the waitress have a turn or two, too.
Get creative! Have fun with it!
(An eye for and eye, a deuce for a deuce).
In sum, let’s clarify where these items DO belong:
1. Mice belong in forests, holes, or possibly a glass prison in your home.
2. Booty paste belongs in toilets, caca isn’t currency, and poop should never see daylight.
(Unless you’re Mick Dodge or a marine or someth.)
3. And, as ever, spiders belong nowhere. Nowhere at all.
The end.