And now, in news that makes me feel vicariously dirty, I present to you: Sex spreadsheets!
This piece showed up in my newsfeed and made me kinda want to take a second shower. Apparently the new trend is that dudes are making spreadsheets (in between discussing their plans to steal fractions of pennies using a corporate virus and strike it rich) from their cubicles… and sharing it with their bros. Ah, sweet camaraderie. Why keep anything sacred? Why not share the most intimate details of your wedded bliss or monogamous life with the people you turn around and talk ish about when you get home? Probably to the same chick you just Excel stat-bashed at work? #twofaced
No, I’m serious. I mean – women gossip all the time; they’re just more subtle about it and use giggles and collar tugging and insinuation (if they’re 40). So, yeah. Go ahead. Do your thang to release steam with your buddies. It’s not like I’m ever coming to those stupid corporate functions where I’ll hafta show my face anyway. That said my motto’s the same as when you pay for sex:
Don’t tell me about it and don’t bring anything home.
If you’re keeping a spreadsheet to document the times my “access denied” alarm’s gone off to let off some steam, that’s great. We all need to journal and let out our feelings and I get that guys like to do that using logic and order and historical data versus “feels”. Makes ya feel more manly. But the moment you use that to dig up old shit like we’re in a boardroom instead of a bedroom, we’z gonna have a problem. The number one annoying thing women do to dudes is breaking out the emotional shovel to exhume grudges and do voodoo on them for the purposes of mood-killing and relache sabotage. So, if you’re a dude and you do that to anyone – married or not – that just makes you a little bitch. Wait – you’re not a little bitch are you? Are you?
And if shame’s not motivation enough, try the “think it through” process.
What do you hope to hear when you tell homegirl her sexy stats are low?
Is it this?
’cause that’s exactly what you’re gonna get.