Hate Hacks: Bitch-quivalents For Men

So, I got lost in this dude’s blog recently.

I mean, a lot of people seem to hate him, which makes for interesting reading. While I don’t agree with all he says, I sure love the cerebral ruminations (and comments) some of his posts induce – like this one on what possible pieces of language can possibly accomplish the same thing to men as “bitch” can to women. An excerpt:

My wife has often complained that a woman can be called a bitch, but there’s no equivalent word in English for men. It seems that “bitch” is a particularly nasty word to apply to women, and I can’t deny the truth of this. Here goes:

“You Bitch!”

I’m not capable of curtailing my comment reply length, so I posted it here. I might comment there as well, but the entry is a million years old. So, ladies, this one’s for you. I’mma break it down:

“Bitch” Double Standard
Yeah, so, if you say “dick” or “asshole” to a man, you’ll probably see a smile spread across his face, as it makes most of them feel proud. Each time they hear it, it’s like a specialized intro-tune for a sarcasti-ball player taking to the field. Dudes bask in that kinda ish.

But the returned invective, “bitch!” (much like “pussy!”) usually has another effect – it’s a good way to stab at their masculinity, but not quite a “bitch” equivalent. Like Marie Antoinette abandoning her pug as she crossed the border to France, the “bitch” gets shed crossing gender borders. We want the OG Mops, not some pussy French dog.

Dig Deeper
Thus, the best way a woman can find out what causes a man to feel that uncomfortable bitch-quivalent, is to do a bit of research. Think about what your goals are, here. What do you crave? You want him to feel the way you feel when you hear “bitch” hurled atchya, right? Good. Then, observe:

What bothers him when his friends say it to him? What causes that familiar expression denoting a deep inner shame-gasm that arises like a Tourettes-esque cervical jerk ? Also, how do they say it? For certain groups of humans, that word might be “douchebag”. For a guy with street cred, it might be “marshmallow” or “gummy bear”. If he just got out of jail, have company over, call him a snitch (and then find him in a ditch before sunrise).

Put Your Drama Queen To Work
Gotta dramatic flair? Like whipped cream on a mocha, why not blow your whole verbal diet by adding a good, qualifying adjective to layer on a little something snide? “F*cking marshmallow ass gummy bear muhfcker!”

See? That one even has those seasonal sprinkles.

Mean Your Mean
Yet, if he has no friends for you to observe the interactions NatGeo style, look at what his hubris binges on. What identity qualities does he fancy himself having? Be considerate and empathetic enough to learn everything about him (bear with me, here) – and then tell him he’s the exact opposite of those things. You don’t have to be overt – in fact passive aggression works beautifully. But mean it! If you avert your eyes, if your voice cracks, or if you stutter – then just pack it in. You’ve lost. Forever.

Or, go minimalist.

Simply Sadistic
Men are simple logical creatures. When you say too much (as we chicks tend to do), your credibility decreases parallel to their interest in hearing it. So tone it back! Make your meat manifest in the delivery itself. “You’re weak” or “worthless” doesn’t sound very weighty on paper, does it? But when issued at an ego with a quiet penetrating glare infused with coruscating hatred and a snide facetious laugh, he’s a four year old naughty toddler again, getting reprimanded by his daddy.

The results are so good you might cry. (But pick your battles: if you’ve any desire to continue the relationship, pretend your emotional victory is really resultant tears of guilt or regret for saying such a hateful thing you definitely didn’t mean).

I appreciate this takes a little work, ladies, but what are you willing to do to manifest that priceless expression on the mug of your one and only love?

“I’ve Arrrrived, Bitches!”
Despite how easily this diseased logic comes to me, I myself have tried supplanting it with things like consideration, kindness, cupcakes, puppydog tails… Actually, I’m just getting too old and lazy to deal any longer with the constant upkeep that accompanies setting such a precedence. You’re only as good as your last attack #amiriteladiiiesss?

Plus, the irony is that once you reach this stature in invective issuing, you yourself start to perceive that “bitch” label in a whole ‘nother light. Before you know it, you’re finding that same ego induced smile on your face that guys get when they get called a dick by their buddies.

Thing is, that image (however ephemerally rewarding) is just too effing much effort to maintain. Besides, once you reach a level where “bitch” has an opposite effect of that deep resonant gut-pang, what’s the point in pondering a comeback when your pride’s now getting hot meals on a silver platter? What are we even fighting about anymore? What is this, even? My spiritual pimp taught me that the miracle happens when we see shit differently.

So, congrats if you reach this point. Game over

You’ve arrrrived, bitch!

🙂

-Ashley