Hate cleaning your body?
Admittedly – yes. But only shower time and only the getting in and out part. Really, it’s more of a love-hate relache (up there with ASMR and Pharrell) because being under the warm stream of water is magnificent. And going from sweaty stubbly moss body to squeaky clean makes the difference between me being a cavewoman versus a human capable of interacting on any rational level with any other species members I might encounter. Were we even real humans before the shower was invented?
Yet, there’s something about getting under a stream of water and then departing with freezing dew drops taunting the surface of my freshly shaven skin that makes me lay in bed for an extra ten minutes in the morning, languishing and dreading the task ahead. Then somebody else wrote a piece saying I wasn’t alone. That a lotta females feel like this. Because unlike dudes, we have to deal with hair washing, de-stubbling the entirety of our bodies, and how cold it is when we finally emerge with everything from our pits to our taints dolphin smooth. Somehow this isn’t what guys go through, the writer alleges.
And you’d think that’d make me feel better, right?
Like – validated?
It didn’t.
It just made me realize how this and a lot of the other things I avoid in life are so senselessly psychotic they could have their own DSM labels. The laundry. The dishes. A shower. Vacuuming. I never appreciated doing laundry or dishes more than after they week they both simultaneously crapped out and I had to do everything by hand.) And the fact that other people are having these first world problems and not even realizing how first-world-y it sounds? That just makes me feel both bad for humanity and bad about myself for being so goddamned spoiled.
But sometimes feeling bad about yourself is exactly the inspo you need to stop making yourself miserable. It’s like I mentioned in the “decision fatigue” post – where decision making is only a problem that potentially fatigues you if you have a crappy outlook about it. So… you change your outlook. You want to know the real reason why guys don’t go through this? You already know. You just don’t want to admit it, you sad sack of ovaries. So I will. It’s because they spend the other 1,425 minutes of their day not acting entitled like we do. We like to talk about equality, flex our biceps, and don a doo-rag. But when it comes to something we have to do for ourselves and can’t pawn off, we blame reality and mysticism alike: “It’s cold!”…”Why don’t guys go through this?” Because they do the same thing while cleaning themselves that they do while getting dirty at the gym: They just do it. Detach from any negative internal reactions. Autopilot. (Also, they don’t fret over hair. Did you know: You can fret less if you like, too?)
Thus, your options through this plight called life and all it creature comforts are five:
1.) Toggle on your Nike autopilot switch and just do it without involving emotions.
2.) Turn punishment into fun by singing (horribly) while scrubbing.
3.) Take a bath instead (and slit your wrists while you’re in there).
4.) Perform a quick Einsteinian thought experiment on how shitty you’d feel if you woke up tomorrow and the shower was broken. And you had to go around dirty and smelly and then you run into a really hot guy who smiles at you and is about to say hi until the elevator door closes and he gets hotboxed by your musk of what smells like Taco Bell and fish farts.
5.) Change nothing, keep acting entitled, and get a man to do it for you.
